I can't believe how cursed the Ox year is.  Michael Jackson died! My family and I grew up watching Michael Jackson!  If he was ever on TV, the whole family would stop what they were doing and watch him.  Michael Jackson music video and concert marathons on VH1 was our favorite! My grandma is racist and don't like black people but she sure loved Michael Jackson.  She don't know a word in English but she knows and says she wants to see "Beat It."  I had a crush on him when I was 8 years-old.  He was so hot in "Dirty Diana."  That white shirt, wrapped up arms and tight black pants and boots with all those hot buckles.  He was the most awesome-est person in the universe.  I never get tired of his songs.  I never get tired of anything Michael Jackson. I never believed any of the bullshit that he was a molester.  He didn't have a childhood and I believe he doesn't know what those sexual things mean! He's so lost and innocent most of the time.  He had such a good heart trying to make the world a better place, why would he waste time molesting? It makes no sense!  Who told those parents to let their kids run loose in someone else's home anyway? Don't blame Michael, blame your poor parenting skills!! I've completely converted to Korean pop in the last ten years but I have never stopped listening to Michael Jackson.  I've always listen to my Michael Jackson History album at work.  I don't really listen to any other kinds of American music cuz its crap these days.  Jonas Brothers!???  I always sing his songs if a karaoke place provides it.  My boo and my siblings recently had a Michael Jackson Idol contest at this Korean karaoke place just days before his death.  We got devasted when we heard the news of his death and went back to the Korean karaoke one week later and had a full-out Michael Jackson dedication.  I'm glad my siblings put some Michael Jackson at my wedding.  I so wished I was mobile enough to get down and dance to it.  Me and my family always talk about Michael Jackson on a regular basis for some reason.  We are eternal fanatics.  .  I get so inspired and excited when I see American Idol or America's Best Dance Crew have their Michael Jackson week.  I thought Michael Jackson would last forever cuz he seemed so invincible.  I didn't think twice that he had the capability of dying.  He was neither a god nor a regular person to me.  He was ....MICHAEL JACKSON!!!  I don't understand.  None of us ever met him in person before and yet he's had a great impact on me and my family as if we really did  meet him and knew him on a personal level.  We have deep roots with Michael Jackson in our lives and I feel so wierd right now knowing that he has passed.  Right after his death, my siblings went out to the malls & out to eBay for a week to get as many Michael Jakson albums as they could.  They were sold-out almost everywhere. We only had the History and Thriller albums.  They went out to hunt for Off the Wall and Bad.  My siblings and I had a great idea of paying tribute to the King of Pop on the 4th of July by dressing up as him and screaming his name when we'd light our illegal fireworks we bought from the Indian Reservations.  Though I was pregnant, I managed to wear a "Billie Jean" costume.  My sister wore a very acurate "Jam" outfit while my brother busted out with the outfit from "The Way You Make Me Feel."  We filmed it too cuz everytime we lit a firework that was extra sparkly and smokey, we'd do our poor attempt at the moonwalk and scream "Hee Hee!!"  Man, we'll miss him bad.  I'm a little bit at peace knowing that he is at peace and free from this world of haters.  We will always rememer Michael Jackson!!

I'm at the point where everything feels uncomfortable.  I can't sit on the couch to enjoy tv.  I can't walk properly cuz gravity is pulling me down real good.  I can't even sleep comfortably anymore.  It's difficult to do anything.  There's not much I can do about it...physically.  My pregnancy is going really well and our baby is extremely healthy and active.  All I have to do is wait until the time comes for the baby's delivery.  I guess I'm just very impatient.  I just want my body back.  I want to be able to bend down and pick up things with ease, run, jump, and not have a panic attack when the car door accidentally scrapes against my belly when I close it.  I want to be able to hug my boo without having a big hump in between us.  I hope I don't get too uncomfortable to the point of depression.  I would hate that.

I'm not sure if the universe is testing my emotional stability but it sure brought me face to face with an old face more than once while I was pregnant.  How am I suppose to feel when I am confronted with an individual that has caused much pain and damage to my sense of self for so many years?  We kinda had some closure in 2005 through the internet with my efforts alone.  I mean, there are just no words.  This other person has gone on with their life and I started to go on with my life shortly after that closure.  Then a few years later, we meet again randomly at some coffee shop and then just recently last weekend at a grocery store.  I don't know what feelings to convey.  I don't know what thoughts to think.  We both just didn't know what to do but I guess to stare or ignore each other.  It's a little embarassing to know that I told this person that he/she hurt me for so many years but then at least the person knows.  I still feel a bit damaged when I look at this person.  I was abandoned and unwanted by this person.  How could I not?  This time around, instead of being overly depressed about it or have those vicious negative thoughts, I am reminded of all the beautiful people that I am currently surorunded with.  Last weekend, I had my beautiful family and husband right there with me.  I was so happy despite having a living and breathing scar in my presence. I don't know what that day was suppose to mean but a little bit of peace was brought into my personal internal emotional world.  I guess it was some kind of reassurance that life is good and will continue to be... 

I gotta do my homework on this new business venture.  I thought I had something going with wedding photography but then I realized that weddings don’t happen as often as I would want them to.  I need continuous income, not seasonal income.  There’s also the crappy economy.  People will start to penny-pinch and get practical.  No one’s out to spend thousands of dollars on things right now.  There’s lots of competition out there and most of those photographers are so much more talented.  I’m pretty sure I’ll do weddings part-time in the future for pocket money.  I love weddings and will take pictures regardless.

I tried hard to focus on one thing and one business idea but I always seem to never achieve that.  I’m so scatter-brained and wrecked with endless creative ideas.  In these harsh economic times, you can’t really depend on just one thing, you need many.  I figured I’ll just put my scatter-brain to use and scatter all my business ideas one-by-one and receive scattered income in return, lol.  This new business idea is the most expensive one I’ve had so far cuz it includes equipment I need to a buy and possibly renting out a little store.  It is also collaborative one cuz I now have my boo involved.  We always wanted to work and be creative together.  I’ll start with the equipment first and see if I can make money off of a cheaper marketing strategy like the internet.

My brain never stopped on these kinds of thoughts ever since high school.  There is no way in hell that I’m going to spend the rest of my life as an employee.  I can’t stand it.  I don’t understand how a person can live each day knowing that they have to answer to someone and wait for his/her paycheck handed to them.  The worse thing is to have someone have complete control of how much you should and should not have on your paycheck.  I don’t understand how I’m exercising so much patience right now for my current job.  It’s like not human.  I’m running off of some kind of internal battery or remote control. 

These pre-martial classes from church aren’t as useless as I thought they would be.  It’s just nice to see how our relationship has matured and surpassed all the things that were being discussed at each session.  I thought it would be a “Been there, Done that,” type of deal because all our years of relentless drama has taught us what we already need to know but it was actually more than that.  It felt like a summary of all the rewards we have reaped through years of arguing, tears, understanding, sacrifices and mutual efforts.  It was also an overview of my past in terms of my perfectionist outlooks on marriage, all of which were sabotaging ones.  Yes, I was one of those idiots that thought marriage was a “happily ever after” thing where I would marry the “right” guy with the “right” image.  And when my boo didn’t fulfill this perfect relationship that I desired, I wanted to end the relationship, I wanted to end our love…countless times.  I was so foolish but throughout the years, we learned to consistently work at it and matured together in the process.  We love each other for who we are despite our imperfections, bad tempers, annoying habits and horrible spending problems.  I guess that’s why we don’t feel any different when we think about marriage or having a family.  Like a marriage, we still have to persistently and mutually work on it like our current relationship…just way longer, most likely forever, lol.  Sometimes I scare myself thinking about how close I was to losing my boo.  I mean, I wanted to break-up with him so many times.  I could’ve ended up alone, single, unhappy and empty right now.  I could’ve missed out on fun dates, cuddling and competitive video-gaming.  I could’ve given up on the most precious person in the world.  What if I still stuck with my perfectionist ideals and had to face constant disappointments and bitter thoughts???  I'm just so relieved at this point in my life.  I can put alot of anxiety, doubts and fears away and go on with building a positive and nurturing environment for our new lives.

Seeing my baby girl for the first time on that ultrasound screen was awesome.  I’m so happy that she is okay.  Shit, she was more than okay; she was extremely acrobatic and energetic to the point where the examiner had a very hard time capturing the images that was needed for the ultrasound report.  I can’t believe a fetus can move that incredibly fast.  She tumbled and twirled like a wheel at super speed.  She twitched and spazzed to one side of my belly to the other.  She curled up in a ball so the ultrasound microphone thing wouldn’t be able to pick up her heartbeat sounds.  She was kicking and punching everywhere.  She stuck her butt up at the microphone. She stuck her arms and legs in places that blocked a lot of body parts and tubes that needed to be looked at.  She was just a squirmy little thing that couldn’t be still.  Usually, a couple would go home with a couple ultrasound pics of the baby’s full body but my boo and I had a stack full of random shots of the baby’s feet, hand, arm, head and leg cuz the baby refused to be still for a nice picture, lol.  I believe at the end of the 2 hour exam, the baby passed out from moving so much and the examiners were able to get better pictures onto their files.  It’s just so amazing that this tiny little thing already has working organs.  I’m just so glad she’s growing so healthy and strong.  I was so worried because the first two months, I was popping so many pills for my migraines during the most critical time of the embryo’s development.  Now I’m just overwhelmed with relief to see my little girl’s perfectly formed spine, skeletal structure, head, arms, legs and cute little organs.  It’s just a wonderful thing to see.